Soulmates and Dating

Let Go, Release, Be Yourself, and Gain Everything!

The past 24 had been amazing, and I felt compelled to let you in... LET GO OF EVERYTHING AND GAIN EVERYTHING!

New Politics (draft)

New President. New Year. New Hope. New Ideas...

But will it last?
Our determination and excitement and hope, Obama the Icon bringing us Unity and Faith again in our government... is it enough?

Watching ZeitGeist, one can easily doubt the sincerity of any Presidential Candidate, of anyone in power or who has a definite greed for money -while the rest of the world remains cruxified by their enslavement of 'needs', loans and "making-ends-meet" philosophy.

While I currently believe in the sincerity and good will of President Barack Obama, I will refuse to close my eyes on the activities of the government; the President is not all-knowing; a 'good man' as the Head of a 'corrupt corporation', cannot always direct the body of that corporation, nor can it be aware of what happens on its very back -the blindspot of our Holy Head.

One, 9/11 was an inside job.
Two, our government is not as stupid as it allowed its previous representation (Bush Jr.) to appear.
Three, the less we find that the world of politics, bureaucracy, laws, educational-systems and government is comfortable, comprehensive and Constitutional, the more we may assume that they are no longer created for us, by us or even with our consent and agreement. After all, the liar is always elusive, and rather make you feel stupid or wrong, (thus snuffing you by your confusion and embarassment, or exhausting you with their obstacle-course styled system) than admit their flaws, faults or




Grey:
"What will Americans do if Germans sink an ocean liner with American passengers on board?"
House:
"I believe that a flame of indignation will sweep the United States and that by itself would be sufficient to carry us into war."
(pertaining to the premeditation of the sinking of the Lusitania)

Sound familiar? Not yet?
November 25, 1941
"The question was how should we maneuver them into firing the first shot... it was desireable to make sure the Japanese be the ones to do this so that there should remain no doubt as to who were the aggressors."
Henry Stimson, Secretary of War (in a conversation with Franklin D. Roosevelt)
The attack on Pearl Harbor was known weeks in advance, was provoked by Roosevelt who 1. Halted Trade, 2. Froze Japanese Assets, and 3. Aided Japan's Enemies (against war rules).
Dec. 4th, THREE DAYS BEFORE an Australian Intelligence told Roosevelt about a Japanese Task Force moving towards Pearl Harbor. Roosevelt ignored the warning. (Much like Bush's nonaction when warned about the 9/11 attack).
Before Pearl Harbor, 83% of America wanted nothing to do with war. After, 1 MILLION men volunteered to be drafted into service. (Similar tactics used to involve America in almost every war since).

LBJ made millions (indirectly through the banking system) off the Vietnam war. Americas passage into involvement? The Gulf of Tonkin incident, later quoted as a "mistake" by Former Secretary of Defense Robert Macknemaris, and later it was revealed to never have happened at all.

Does it appear that we are controlling our government, or that our government is controlling us?
Vietnam War was not meant to be won, only SUSTAINED.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0kHhc67GopM ZeitGeist FullMovie

As is our current "War on Terror" purposely sustained not only to reap profit from it, but to slowly and efficiently degrade and destroy our liberties and rights as not only citizens of America, but as human beings.

We cannot hide, we cannot close our eyes, we cannot play dumb and believe what is fed to us via propaganda and fear-tactics...
We must refuse to be controlled, must have the will and energy to seek the answers for OURSELVES, and have the courage to speak the truth.

We are not at war with other countries, lands, religions... we are at war with ourselves -in more ways than one.
The rest of the world mimics itself and eachother; what goes on in Iran, Iraq, Russia, Africa, China, South America, Vietnam.... it goes on in America as well. You are no longer uninvolved; in fact, you never were neutral; the less active you became, the less "politically/actively/religiously involved" so you could be an apathetic, ignorant citizen to consume goods and make money and feed your family and pay taxes.... THE MORE SUSCEPTIBLE YOU BECAME TO BEING THEIR PAWN TO PLAY IN THIS GAME OF ECONOMICS, WAR, GOVERNMENT AND INTERNATIONAL AFFAIRS.

Because... the more you gained (the more you had to lose, whether it be social standing, a car, a house, your family's welfare...) more passive you became to those who threatened taking it away, the less willing you were to defend yourself. The less willing you were to defend yourself, the easier prey you became. The more power you observed them taking from you, the more fear you had for what objecting to that power would result in. Suddenly you're saying "let me have my house, my family, my TV shows, my food; let me have the Pride of saying America is the Greatest in the World, convince me I should feel privileged. Just leave me alone, do what you must so the TERRORISTS/NAZIS/KOOKS/JAPS/ENEMY doesn't invade MY living room... and you can have what you want."

But you... are not... safe
Neither is all you love. Neither is all you own. Neither is your will, your freedom of speech, your ability to call America the Greatest Nation on Earth...

Wake up, children. It's all a wild ride. Don't believe your television; all that land is entertainment. Take a mirror; look at yourself: do you hate the way you look? Should you be fatter, thinner, taller, skinnier, muscled, curved or blonde? WHO TOLD YOU THAT? Take a look at your life: Is it tha life you dreamed of when you were a kid? Is that the same dream you dreamed of as an adult? Do you really think the adult knows more about your desires... or what other people desire? What should a persons dream-life look like? WHO TOLD YOU THAT? Look at your religion: is it brining you joy or happiness, soul-realization, or peace? Are you being a "good Christian/Catholic/Muslim/Jew/Buddhist/Orthodox-/Pentacostal/Hindu..."? What do those people do anyways? Are they happy? Have they found God/Allah/Buddha/Rama/Source... yet? What are your morals? Who told you how to live, love, marry, vote, fear, educate and even fuck? WHO TOLD YOU THAT?

Think about it. What part of your thoughts and beliefs actually belong to you, and what have you just stored as a social-default-mechanism?

"Well, why can't we all just get along?" We can; but believe me, it is not by not-thinking.

honest heart poetry

you are the words inbetween the words.
the endless rhythm of that secret silence,
you are the subtle breathing love that listens for the bat of an eyelash, as I think.
as much as you show me love, you are and more
your existence the emulsion for the film of my life
showing me the beauty by giving it a different shade,
bringing light to dark, and showing me the elegant shadows.
and now I know that the white and the black on the photograph of my heart
are neither good nor bad.
and that -even for so long as I kept it blank, undeveloped-
it's beauty comes with darkness and light,
and I am not afraid to see the full picture.

"The American Spirit"

What we are, we attract. So, I haven't run into this situation in quite a long time.
But when I did, I was fuming for a long time after (although my anger is my work, not anyone else's fault.)

Americans in general are diverse across the nation. The way people view them in other countries is, also, diverse. Unfortunately for us now, it is based mostly based on reality TV shows and tourists with bad fashion and sometimes cultural indifference.
In other words, they'd rather see the pretty sights then the real people, and they're generally 'lazy dressers' (think bermuda shorts and a Hawaiian shirt).
The appearance is not a problem, however obvious it separates them from the locals, but the cultural indifference leaves them without an interest in the real culture, language, people and customs of a place, and also gives them the illusion that it is all bright lights expensive and shiny 5 star hotels.

I am very partial to wanting to learn about the culture and languages of a place, to better understand the people who live there. I realize maybe I should be studying anthropology, but traveling to a place and learning all I can ("field work") is good enough if not better. I also realize that this particular manner of doing things is not the normality.

But sometimes, just sometimes, I run into the most arrogant people.

I'm at a dinner table at friends house. The family is there, and they have a guest. Overall, this family is very Republican. I'm labeled a 'hippie' and 'free spirit' in this house;attempts to understand my world and views are limited.
We sit to eat dinner. I am asked about my recent trips to Europe, my life there, and what I decide to do next. I mention I live in a mostly Turkish district.
First mention of Turkish people, Guest (I refuse to use his real name) tells me I should set off a bunch of big fireworks and watch all the Turks run outside holding their (was he pretending to have a turban on his head whilst mocking them?) and screaming "ooh ga booga gobba gobba!"

Everyone laughed. I felt sickened by his racist display and his obvious ignorance of the Turkish people (who, at least in Vienna, and no where else in Europe, wear turbans, and not all the women cover their hair.) They are Muslim, but that doesn't make them terrorists.
We eat our dinner, and I don't bring up the Turkish people again. I pick other topics, if I speak at all. He has decided to give a long lecture about all the misdeeds of our Presidents, and how, "At least Bush stood behind his convictions and beliefs!" and I suppose when ordered to do something, did it. He said that during Clinton's reign, they had caught Osama many times and were ready to shoot him, or some other 9-11 related terrorists, and Clinton refused and let them go. Maybe Clinton thought that killing a major head of the uprise would turn him into a martyr and make things worse. Who knows? But it went on and on and on. He was very opinionated. That didn't bother me. I've learned to listen to people, and catch flaws in their arguments, or truths.
When I got up to put my dishes away, the family asked me the question once again, "So, what are you doing with your life now? What are you doing in Vienna?" I mentioned school, I mentioned studying, and then I mentioned going to India to teach English at an ashram-run school for impoverished children there for three months, perhaps.
BINGO! The Eastern section of the world ruffles the feathers of the great miniature eagle again.
Guest persists on telling me that I would be better of shutting my finger in a door than going to India, and that I'll come back riddled with diseases and likely killed. He goes on and on about the brutality of the people there.
He begins to even confuse cultures. I have no doubt in my mind he has no real idea about what he's talking about. He's never been to India.
Then he stops me and says, "You want some BEAUTIFUL sights, go to Jacksonhole, Wyoming". I suppress a laugh. He's comparing India to some place in America? They shouldn't be debated; they're two different worlds. With two different dangers. If you're white and you're in America, you won't be bothered. That's his safety. And he needs it.

By the end of the night, if I was a terrorist, I would've slit his arrogant, ignorant, disrespectful throat right then and there.
I'm not violent in my nature, but I can understand the reaction of a people who are conditioned to hate Americans, and non-Muslims, and who then see media and television and think "Those are Americans".


And we wonder why people in different countries don't like us!? With attitudes on Americans like that? Inflated like a balloon ready to burst?

For me, the most important thing is to understand that we are all living on the same planet, with the same upcoming troubles and difficulties. Our cultural and language difference divides us. But if we make NO EFFORT to try and understand one another, we will never make it. We will qaurral and fight, hate and fear eachother. We have misrepresented eachother for too long, and the media has been ill-used as well in this dilemma. People think we party like rockstars and squabble like bratty children. They see MTV and truly believe we are those people.

And honestly? After watching those shows, modeling ourselves after the image of publicity... Aren't we beginning to believe the same?

all the way (part 2)

When I returned home, I felt overwhelmed with excitement.
I was anxious to be home, in a familiar place, to make the most of every minute!
The heat, the salty air, good food... my family, my closest friends, my home.

But today, I feel again a sadness; a loss of my direction; a wandering, lost, child with all the question of her existence; an ocean of uncertainty.
I feel that perhaps it has been so long since I have been truly happy, I don't remember the feeling. I barely remembered the feeling of this place, at first.

I have been broken many times. I've come familiar with this feeling...
I looked into his (an old loves') face and saw a boy who didn't really know what he wanted. But he knew he didn't want me. He said the words "I don't love you".
Four words to break my heart, and more; "You're too deep, too strange".
Thus, breaking my self-image as well as my heart. I left that very night, taking a train to a city four hours away. I didn't speak to anyone about it, but if you looked into my face you could tell; The castle that I was had been broken, grinded to sand.

Months after, the most amazing thing happened. I looked at my life and saw how much it had changed. I saw the strings that had tied me like a puppet to my sorrow, to my struggle, and I saw how the painful snipping of these strings had set me free.
I thought of him again, and made a phone call. We spoke for a long time, and for the time I did not feel foolish or stupid, choked with emotion or timid with the feeling of him judging me. I did not feel him judging me, did not feel me caring if he did. I spoke to him as a friend; as a real person; as myself.
Because, shortly before, I came to realize that the honesty I had forced him to give me, the final dagger-to-my-heart I forced him to throw, was the blessing of my life.

I was free. Released of him.
And just as that sorrow existed only to release me to happiness, so will this sorrow fade, and I will take one step closer to the Joy I will, in one future moment, remember.

all the way (part 1)

This blog is not based on positivity.

For all my life, music has been my guardian angel. Like the soft touch of an invisible feather and angels wing is to another person, my angel has been music. Now don't start singing Phantom of the Opera tunes, because this is different.
I'm not Little Lotte whose lost her father and wants to reconnect emotionally with him through some opera phantom.
I'm someone whose life has been enriched with music since the age of 4.
My grandmother is a piano teacher. Has been, for years. She started me off playing classical piano at the ripe age of four years old. I learned to listen to music and be able to play it. Then, I learned to read music and play it. When I was old enough not to fall asleep while sitting in one place for more than two hours, I accompanied her to the symphony. For years, my weekends were spent with my grandmother as we attended the symphony to hear countless renditions, interpretations and presentations of artists that I have long since forgotten their names, but not their sounds.
I'm not going to lie; it's not like I never fell asleep during it. But the sounds played over and over in my head.
My mother was a singer. She sang earlier in her career, and also had a long running singing gig in Hawai'i while living there. She still sings beautifully. When I was very young, she was part of a barbershop quartette and also a larger singing group. She would have the most beautiful outfits to wear...
My father would take me. He was never officially trained in music, but he was introduced to it young, I think, and took right to it. To this day he is playing around with new instruments all the time. (He doesn't have a singing voice). He plays fiddle, mandolin, pipeflute, irish-button-accordian, concertina, and a bit of piano.
I love my parents, and I love music.

While traveling through Europe, I wasn't on any normal tourist jaunt. I was traveling for myself, with myself, and had to deal -a lot- in myself. It's the hardest thing I've ever done.
I've been let down more than once, and hurt harder than I thought I could be.
It's exhausting; living.
and, Growing.

Somehow, someway, I learned the phrase "If you want to make God laugh, show him your plans."
and it came true...again, and...again.
But Somehow, Someway... I ended up with an apartment in Vienna, Austria; with friends that started becoming very close; with a family-type atmosphere here; with someone who has filled my life in a way I didn't think it could be filled.
And, with a determination to study at the Konservatorium Wien Privat; Private music conservatory.
I wanted to study opera there. I spent more than the tuition on vocal coaches to get my voice in shape for the audition. I was excited but not hopeful the first day.
and... I made it in! Off to the 2nd round.
I was nervous.
and...

I had an apartment, three flatmates that had become friends, and to whom I promised to stay and be a responsible rent-payer for the next year. -Even if I didn't make it into the conservatory. I had spent about 300 euros on elaborate lighting design in my room to make it feel less like an office and more like a dreamlike, artists home. I painted the walls with original designs I made myself. I even got into botany for the first time of my life and bought orchids. I had made the first jump in my life; the first commitment that a commitment-scared girl ever made. and not just ONE and not just ANY ONE COMMITMENT.

I made a commitment to stay, no-matter-what.
I made a commitment to find a way, even as a possibly Visa-less foreigner, to earn more than 300 euros per month to pay rent.
I made a commitment to find work, somehow, no-matter-what.
I made a commitment to live across an ocean, and a country, 12 hours by plane away from the only home I ever knew, for the first time in my life, to a country where people don't really smile at strangers, and don't speak my language, and I can't yet speak theirs well enough to explain WHY I smile at strangers.
I made a commitment to study music.
But I got rejected.

At least I have a home.
But I made plans. I was so afraid of taking that jump; of finally deciding to focus on the one thing that has always brought my passion, life, love, energy: MUSIC.

Another girl, Anastasia, who went before me and also made it to the 2nd round, flew all the way from Bulgaria to come and audition. Her family took all the money they had and put it into her training, and a train ticket there.
She got rejected, as well.

"C'est la vie" the french saying goes.
But now I have to figure out how to make a new plan.
They say that everything happens for a reason, and yes. Good did come out of this journey.
But I thought I was right; that what I was doing was right. And I just don't know why, yet.
Why did it lead me so far, to not bring me all the way?